Alone...

Something happened today. Today was my 5 year old daughters first cheerleading competition. My mom came for the performance, but she had to leave before the awards. Before and after the performance, there I sat alone. For as much support from family and friends I have in my life, I was alone. I looked around at other parents and families, and I really realized, I am alone. 

It's not like this idea hasn’t hit me before in the last 10 months, but today, it really sank in some. 11 years ago I married my husband, planning to spend the rest of our lives together and now I sit here alone. I was with my husband my entire adult life until now, and now, in a room literally full with thousands of people, I look around and realize I’ve never felt more alone that I did today. 

Again, I have lots of support, especially from my parents, but ultimately I’m really in this alone. I am a single parent with three kids. I wake up alone. I cook our meals alone. I pack lunches and do homework alone. I take my kids to school and activities alone. Uh, I do bedtimes, alone. God I wish I had some support on that one. At night, I watch TV alone. Then I go to bed, Alone. (Well other than the nights I find my daughter in my bed when I get there).

It is really hard work to be a single parent. I wouldn’t trade it for anything, but man is it hard. I constantly think of all the things my husband is missing out on. Watching my oldest son play basketball I think of how much he's improved since my husband last saw him play and how proud he’d be of him. Seeing my middle son do an amazing drawings I think of how much he would have loved to see that artist talent develop in his youngest son. I tear up seeing a father in the stands holding a bouquet of flowers for their daughter after her perfect performance. My husband never go to do that for her. 

I wonder, Am I going to be enough for my children on my own, as their sole parent. I worry that I'm going to screw something up and they’re going to grow up without “daddy issues” and be completely messed up people. I mean there’s three of them and one of me, odds are I’m going to screw up with one of them, right?!

Completely exhausted the other night on our drive home I raised my voice at them, something I’ve tried very hard to be more conscious of this past year. All three kids began to cry. They’re so lost in their own grief and I worry constantly that I’m not doing enough for them, to make sure they’re ok. God knows I'm not ok and I know how to articulate my feelings. My oldest son asked me “are you missing dad today too?” and all I can muster up to say is “I always miss dad”, he says “me too”. I'm hurting bad, but so are they. 

I don't know how to do this alone. This was not the plan. God knows, I'm trying my best. I think they know that too. But man, today, I really wish he was here with me so I didn't so this alone.